My Baby Doesn’t Sleep Unless I Am Holding Her!

“My baby doesn’t sleep unless I am holding her. I might be able to lay her down for a few moments, but then she’s awake again. And let’s face it: I AM THE ONE WHO NEEDS THE REST. THE BREAK. THE MOMENT TO MYSELF.”

Sleep is never far from conversation when you have an infant, and especially in the early days, sleep is one of the most common struggles for new parents. A baby who will only sleep when being held is more common than you might think. Babies find comfort and security in the warmth, smells and steady heartbeat of their parents, mimicking the conditions they experienced in the womb. Unfortunatley, that may not be much consolation to a new parent who is desperate for their own rest and deep sleep as they are recovering from birth and adjusting to the constant needs of their dependent child.

Infant Sleep

Understanding why your baby insists on being held to sleep is the first step toward addressing the issue. Newborns have immature nervous systems and are highly sensitive to their environment. The sudden shift from the womb to the outside world can be overwhelming. Holding your baby provides a sense of safety and security that helps them relax. Additionally, during the early months, babies have shorter sleep cycles and wake up more frequently, seeking comfort to fall back asleep. This dependency on being held is a natural response to their developmental needs.

Infants develop into longer and deeper sleep cycles as they grow.

While it’s important to respond to your baby’s need for comfort, gradually encouraging independent sleep is beneficial for both the baby and parents. Start by creating a consistent bedtime routine that includes soothing activities like a warm bath, gentle rocking, and soft lullabies. Swaddling can also mimic the snug feeling of being held and help your baby feel secure in the crib. Introducing a pacifier might provide the comfort they seek without needing to be held. Remember, the goal is to create a sleep environment that your baby associates with calmness and security.

It’s essential to do what you can to create a sleep-conducive environment. Although we cannot “make” anyone fall asleep, we can offer opportunities to induce sleep by ensuring the room is dark, quiet, and cool, using white noise machines if necessary to drown out household noises and rocking or bouncing until a baby is ready to be separated and put down in their sleeping space. Consistency in nap times and bedtime can help regulate your baby’s internal clock, making it easier for them to sleep independently as they mature into that milestone.

Accepting Help

A trusted friend can help support a new parent’s need for rest.

Patience, consistency and responsiveness are so important to your baby. It’s normal for your baby to resist separation from you at first, but with time, they will learn to feel secure in their own sleep space, whatever that may look like for your family. Sometimes when a baby is demonstrating the need to be held during naps or at bedtime, it can be helpful to take your family members and neighbors up on their offers to help by asking them to hold your sleeping baby so you can get an uninterrupted nap, shower, or catch up on any tasks you’ve not had free hands to get to. Babies often sleep longer and deeper when they are held, and new parents can feel good about the naps their babies get while they are also getting the rest a parent needs to face the long hours of parenting.

In the midst of sleepless nights and weary days, it’s important to remember that every baby is different and every baby is constantly growing and shifting their schedule. What works for one baby might not work for another. Be kind to yourself and seek support when needed- join a local new mothers group, whether in person or virtually, seek out friends, relatives or colleagues with children who can share what worked for them and take what feels right for you from what you learn. Parenting is a journey filled with ups and downs, and addressing sleep issues is just one of the many challenges along the way. By staying calm, consistent, and loving, you’re not only helping your baby develop good sleep habits but also strengthening the bond between you and your little one.

Lauren Fox, LCSW, PMH-C works exclusively with women in the perinatal period and those with children 0-3 years old.

I hope this blog about infant sleep was helpful for you. Read here if you’d like to know more about Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders. If you are looking for a perinatal and/or postpartum therapist, reach out to me! I can also help point you in the direction of local Coachella Valley doulas, physicians, birthing centers and vendors like photographers, balloons and catering for baby showers, etc, etc. We can schedule a 15 minute phone consultation to discuss what is happening for you and explore if more individualized mental health support could be beneficial for you. I would be happy to help get you connected. Feel free to call me at 805-930-9355 for a free 15 minute phone consultation. If you are looking for help with pregnancy, postpartum, pregnancy loss, infertility, birth trauma, hypnotherapy, or new mothers support groups, you can read more about how I can help within this website.

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